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Regrets

Erin

Well, times they do-a change.

At one point I had thought that I didn’t care what others thought about me. I am who I am and if someone didn’t like it, well, they didn’t have to be around me. So I had a tendency to burn my bridges behind me when I left someplace or group.

Hell, let’s be honest, I didn’t burn those bridges, I blew them up. With a nuclear device.

Now, the wheel has turned and I find myself needing some of those very same people.

The hell of it is, I think that in some cases the people I now need didn’t even know that I was burning bridges. And there is the irony.

If I say something, I risk upsetting them and destroying the very friendship and support I need. If I apologize and they didn’t know, then the next thing they say is “For what?” at which point I can say nothing or explain.

Or I can take the chance that they DON’T know, and trust my luck. But that means resentment brews because now I’m socializing with them again and I have not even said anything in apology for the problems I caused.

This has already bit me in the backside once. A lady I knew from a pair of Yahoogroups and I had a severe problem with a list mate. I slung some aspersions, said some things to her face, and in the process implicated this lady. I really had no particular problem with her, but she took it as though I did. So I removed myself from those circles and went my own way. But about a month ago, she popped up on another list I was on. I started joking with her somewhat, and tried to find out where I knew her from, and all that came back up. I explained that I had no problem with her specifically, and she was rather surprised since I had apologized to the list mate for over reacting and missed her apology.

I explained the situation, and I *think* we are back on associate footing again. But I hate it when that happens.

The thing is that I have this problem. I overreact all the time. Most times it doesn’t do much more than make me swollow whatever I was going to say and wait for a few minutes while I go outside and scream at the crows and trees until I calm down. Once I calm down, I’m fine.

However, it doesn’t really work online too well. I don’t really understand why, but the emails sitting in my inbox tend to keep grating until I lose my temper and say something unforgivable and bomb that bridge.

So I don’t know what to do.

I had hoped that my making an overture to one gentleman (with whom I left his group on less than friendly terms) would have been enough to open a dialogue. As far as I knew, he had no problem with me personally, just an act that I participated in. There is a difference. But apparently not.

I sent him a copy of A Child’s Book of Wicca, Chapter 1 for free, for his daughter. He has a small child and I had hoped he would find it of use. But when I asked him to please post the Press Release and I didn’t even get so much as a “screw you”.

I wonder if he will even recognize himself in this post.

It’s times like this that I feel this whole Journal is simply myself shouting down a well to no purpose. I know people come and read, but I wonder if it makes a difference.

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