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HomePersonal, Updates Time to come clean


Time to come clean

Erin

Well, before you all read it through the various outlets that are linked here (meaning Twitter), I thought I would inform my readers directly about several things you all might find questionable. I do this in the spirit of brotherhood and necessity that many of you might find close to your hearts.

And if I lose readers, I bear you no hard feelings.

I’ve kept a large segment of my life away from here. I have done this mostly because I felt that (first off) it was no one’s business except mine, and (second off) that it really didn’t matter as it was not relevant to my spirituality which is what I talk about here.

However, various things have occurred in my life that has forced a merging of those segments of my life, and an intermixing of them until in many cases, the lines are completely blurred.

As you know I have had financial troubles recently. That’s okay, everyone does have those difficulties from time to time, and most often you get through with them and go on. However, this has apparently become a permanent state of affairs with me and my family.

I’ve been out of work since February 10, 2007. I had the job that I was fired from for 7 1/2 years, did a good job at it too until I lost my temper at the wrong time and that gave management the excuse they needed to finally get rid of me. (They had been trying to get me to quit for 5 years previous to that. I guess I didn’t kiss ass like they wanted me to do.)

Be that as it may, I have been out of work since then. I’ve had the occasional short term temporary job, which hasn’t lasted. But for now, I’m out of work.

An acquaintance of several years standing came to us not too long ago and offered two things: 1) that he move in with us and pay us rent to help with the finances and 2) that we start working in his home job. He offered us the profits from that job for a year if we did.

That job was adult in nature. Basically it was taking photographs and distributing them to websites. Yes, given my dancing around it as I am doing, they were those kinds of pictures. This is no longer true.

Now, understand, I have no problem with pornography in and of itself. These were not illegal in any way, they were consensual and while they were of some acts that I find distasteful and which I would never show a minor (or any adult for that matter), these were making us an income. Given that we lost our house later and moved into government housing, despite my wife’s part time job of Customer Service calls from our home, and my continuing search for permanent employment, it was bringing us some money, enough to keep the lights on, or to pay for the bus for my daughter to school and back, or the water bill and so on.

Am I proud of this? Not particularly. It is necessity, and when I do get a permanent job, I do plan to give this one up. But in the interest of full disclosure I thought I would have to tell you this also.

Yes, there is more.

Do you know how some people don’t like that they have brown hair and they wanted red hair, and that others wish they had blue eyes instead of brown? Well, I was born with a body part that I wish I didn’t have. I am Transgender. This isn’t unknown, I’ve always felt that I was not a male soul, but a female one.

This does not mean that I am gay. I am not attracted to men, but to women, so if I was a female, I guess that would make me gay, but not as a man. This doesn’t affect you at all, but it really defines myself and my spirituality and my sexuality. I’ve been invited to write articles about being transgendered and the priesthood. While it won’t be appearing in the publication that I was invited to initially submit to, it will be here.

Am I ashamed of this? Not at all. I was made to be ashamed of this aspect of myself for many years when I was younger, and I’ve gotten to the point in my life now where I don’t care. I promise I won’t shove this down anyone’s throat, I won’t force you out of your comfort level, but I’m tired of hiding this part of me and never talking about it, especially where it intersects my spirituality.

Some of you may ask how this manifests itself in my life. It shows up two ways, an extremely girly part of myself who is called “Joy”, and crossdressing and doing really domestic “women’s work” in my day to day life. I don’t do this daily, but I do it often enough that my immediate family knows and supports this part of me. My siblings know, my mother knows, my father, however, doesn’t. To a person, none of them want to talk about it. That’s fine, I have no need to discuss it with them.

The last thing that is probably an open secret is this: I make adult toys for the BDSM crowd, including restraints and impact toys. It’s another personal aspect that I also use in my spiritual life, and a hobby I turned into a craft business. But I haven’t made any money from it for some time, so it’s one of those things that I also don’t normally discuss, certainly not with people I don’t know.

All these aspects have points of intersection my spiritual life. The BDSM comes in where I get into altered states of consciousness and in energy work. The endurance of a good flogging also lends strength.

I mention this latter part because I had my first experience with this kind of play, and the resultant mental shift, at an activity in Columbus Ohio, and at this point I believe that I’m probably blacklisted from that same event for that incident. Which is sad since I really enjoyed the event.

I wanted everyone to understand what will be happening. That is why I’m posting this, so that Twitter posts that are confusing may become less so. Also so that you had an opportunity choose to stay or go.

Let’s be honest here, I’m under no illusions. Some parts of my life are distasteful or confusing to many in mainstream Western civilization. I know this because I’m in therapy for some issues that I have. I’m a honest person. When I start writing again, I don’t want to have to censor myself. So I figured I’d just come out and say this so that you knew about it before hand instead of finding out about it through the microblogging feed, or from rumors.

I would ask one thing. For those who might wish to spew abuse and negativity, e-mail me privately. I ask that because I would like to have a discussion and to keep others from being affected by potential anger and misunderstanding. I promise I will respond. If you are truly open to having a discussion, it’s fine to have it here.

Pictures of me in my dress are here: [link id=’1254′]

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One Response to “Time to come clean”

  1. George says:

    While not a pagan I do find your website interesting and your honesty refreshing. May you find the answers you seek and the strength to enjoy the journey to discover them. Namaste my friend.

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