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Thinking

Erin

Just spending some time thinking about some things lately.

One of the heartaches I’m having these days is problems I’m having with time. There doesn’t seem to be enough hours in a day to do everything I want and need to do. So I’m having to cut back and to re-evaluate things and what is actually a priority.

This site, Black Rose Floggers, to a point my LiveJournal and The Juggler are all important enough to me that I won’t be giving them up any time soon.

But ARWM and places like some of the Yahoo groups I’m on are going to have to fall to the way side. I know, I know, I’ve said all this before, but each time I meant it and I did cut back.

See, there is another person in my life at this point. She got home from Mexico where she had gone to get a good job via the Internet. She did okay, although she was hurt by events, I’m glad she’s home now. Mary is glad as well. Yes, you may take it from that statement that we are polyamorous, since we are. And that is going to necessitate a massive change on all our parts. One of those changes is going to be getting a house. Finally.

Thirty Seven freaking years old and I’m just now getting a house. Talk about a slacker (self depreciating humor there). I feel like I’ve failed my wife and daughter and all those who count on me to take care of them. I have not been providing for them as I have been taught to do. Even though society told me that I had to do in THIS way and give in THAT way, I have not been and it has driven me crazy. I feel guilty all the time and it hurts.

When I complained about this same thing in my LiveJournal, I had one of the readers of that same entry take me to task. The point of his scolding, I think, was to tell me basically to be a man, suck it up and do what I am supposed to do. Well, I have been. I have been for some time now.

One of the purposes of these blogs and these entries are to help me get my feelings out and defined. They are a way for me to not only think about what I’m feeling (which more people should do) but to articulate them. Once they are articulated they can be dealt with.

So I put a lot of personal stuff in these posts. I share them with my family. A lot of times, solutions come out fo them. But there are just as many times that I’m putting something up to get it off my chest. Yeah, there are things I want. Who doesn’t? I’d love for people to pay me what I’m worth at work, to pay me to do what I enjoy doing. For there never to be bullshit at work and with my life. But is that going to happen? Not likely.

But stress kills. Stress causes problems like psychosomatic illnesses (an illness that is brought on by too much stress, the body’s way of forcing a rest, not immaginary diseases) and exhaustion and loss of focus and concentration and many other problems. Unless that stress is gotten rid of. One way of doing that is by venting.

I used to bring home my work (in the form of venting to my wife), but it got to be too much. So now I’m not venting to her anymore because it was stressing her out. It’s not that I don’t want to share with her, or keep her informed of what is happening. I don’t want to make her dread me coming home because I’m just going to complain and vent.

So I do it here and in a couple other places. Don’t want it? Don’t read. Just skip over these entries. Heck, I may even make a new category of “whining” so you know what to skip.

So going through and cutting out and back on things that are stressing me out, that’s a good thing, right?

So why do I feel as though I’m letting people down?

So goddamn tired.

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One Response to “Thinking”

  1. daemoncaine says:

    I’ve been there, although I think you have more irons in the fire than I ever did. In the end it was a matter of priorities. For me, family comes first. Period. Family is considered in nearly everything I do. When things got to be too much, I started dropping the most time-consuming, stressful, non-productive, etc. things. My store went and my futile attempts at building a local community went. I still try to do too much. Right now I am trying to find time to develop the site to advertise my web hosting business, maybe start some for-pay design projects, continue my ODU studies, foster my near obsessive interest in Gaelic Traditionalism, learn Irish, etc., etc. This all while working 8-9 hours a day, commuting an hour each way to get there, trying to be a good father to my seven children, and a good husband, and trying to buy a house. Anyway, my point is that I think most of us do it. There is just too much that needs to be done, and too much that wants to be done. Sometimes you just have to admit that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.

    Darren

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