- Erin's Journal - http://erinsjournal.com -

The last couple of days

Well, the last few days have been hard.

I officially said goodbye to the lady who might have been our third member. She’s on the road now, her and her two dogs and her two cats. With about $140 to go to California from Tennessee. Not enough money. And we don’t have it to give to her. Shit.

Then there’s Chad, a good friend, his wife, his two daughters, who re-uped in the Army to keep from being deployed to Iraq. The ironic thing is that his enlistment was up, but his commanders told him that he had to stay and that they would deploy him to Iraq. The man has served 10 years already, and they want to force him to stay and continue to serve? What kind of extortion is this?

So, I’m depressed, upset and just generally really cynical about the perfidity of mankind.

Our air conditioning is going. We are sitting here with the AC set on 60, and the temperature guages read 80. No air moving, and listening to Pink Floyd. Just opened a letter from the people who now own my Student Loan. I’m 6 months behind. We got back from the store and now have something like $80 to make it for the two weeks. I can sell some toys, if I can find a buyer.

Can you tell that the weight of the world and my family is very much with me right now? It’s one of those times when I’m really depressed. Not that I am going to tell Mary or Rhiannon that. But it’s times like this that convince me that I’m a failure as a man and a father. I can’t support my family.I mean, I know I’m a good person, a man in most of the true senses of the word, but I can’t provide. I can’t do and give them what they need to live on. It’s not enough to survive from day to day. I get tired of this. I get tired of running as hard as I can, and never getting any closer to the goal.

I was promised a secure future. I was promised that I would have opportunities. I was told that if I did what I was supposed to that I would be able to support myself and my family.

So now I have a job that kills me, teeth that are rotting in my head which I can’t do a damned thing about, a sick wife who needs to go to the doctor who can’t because we can’t afford it, a daughter who desperately needs braces on her teeth, I need glasses, she needs glasses and she needs glasses too. We barely make it and now the creditors are coming.

I think I would be nearly suicidal if I hadn’t been punished like I was last night. But at least the suspension demo was interesting.