You know something, it’s awfully hard to be a grown up.
Last night there were some problems. My step son is in town, 29 years old and coming out of college where he went for Computer training. Basically my job. Now, he and I have not ever gotten along, particularly since there was a major problem last time he lived with us. I barely know this kid, and there are a lot of issues on my side.
Most notably, jealousy. Here’s someone who has known Mary longer than I have, who has a whole history with her that I don’t and can’t touch. Add to that the continuation of her previous marriage, and so on, and there are many issues. The interesting thing is that I don’t feel this way with her mother, father or sister, just her children.
I have never tried to be their father and the only rules that I have tried to impose on them are rules of courtesy when they are in my home. Basic guest rules.
But it seems not to matter at times. He grates on my nerves and I know I get on his.
So, last night’s problem involved me being human and fucking up. See, Rhiannon has a laptop given to her by my cousin for her schoolwork. Phillip (my step son) was using it to access the internet and get some of his work done, since she wasn’t using it. As part of that, he installed a couple programs to help him out. Then since he was in there, he asked Rhiannon if she needed anything removed as it is a small drive. She had Office removed, along with her email.
I put office on there for her schoolwork. She screwed up there and I will be talking to her about that. But the laptop has no CD Rom drive, and once uninstalled, there is no reasonable way to get it reinstalled. I spent 6 hours one night trying to do so, through the network, through IR sharing of drives, through backpack CD Rom Drives, through sharing one of my CD drives from here at work for the laptop, and all of it was for nothing. I was looking at getting my cousin to reimage the drive again, wiping out everything on there.
That’s when Phillip spoke up and told me that it was possible to do so, and that he knew how. I got very mad and was close to loosing it (and eventually did). My IT skills are a source of pride for me. To have this college educated, no experience kid tell me that I’m wrong punched most of my buttons. When he actually did it hit the rest of them.
In a 2 hour conversation with Mary over the course of the evening, I discovered that it wasn’t mostly Phillip that caused me to blow up, but my own feelings of inadequacy that is responsible. Constant comparison with other men in Mary’s life, the fact that we are barely getting by and that makes me a poor provider, the fact that by impeaching my skills Phillip inadvertently proved that I’m a useless fuckup like everyone (Ken, my old Manager, Steve my current supervisor and Bob my current Manager) all say I am and other such problems with my manhood all came crashing together and made me melt down.
Now, I calmed down over the course of the two hours, apologized to Phillip for my rude manners, and it may be getting better between us (maybe, if he grows up and shows some manners and gets over issues he has that he’s run from). But it hurt to have to be grown up. I wanted to revel in hate and anger and justified littleness of spirit.
There’s days that I can’t stand being adult. On 4 hours of sleep, this is one of them.
I’m crossposting this to my LJ just because I can. Gods, I still hate being an adult.