(Note from Daven: Just by way of information, Kittidiot is gone. When I wrote this piece, he was living with Mary and myself in an apartment in Texas. Because of a lot of problems there, and the actions of members of our community, he ran off and we could not move with him to our new home in Tennessee. I have no idea what became of him, but I’m assuming he died. He was a feral cat when I met him and I don’t think he would have any problems going back to that life. I wish him all the best.)
A Familiar Tail
(Note all views expressed in this article are the personal opinions of THE CAT and we claim no responsibility for the content of this article -Daven and Theresa)
My name is Kittidiot. Of course, that is not my real name, but it is what my pets call me. I am what most people would call a familiar, although they are what I call a pretty strange bunch. My pets believe I chose to join with a human to enhance his abilities of magick through no will of my own. How pretentious. Imagine thinking that I would do anything I did not want to do.
Having talked to many pets and owners over my few years, I have concluded that most pets think that being a familiar is all pleasure. Let me tell you from experience, its not. Let us start with the mundane side of my world.
First, I have to get up before dawn every day to demand my breakfast. I have to remind them, or else, I don’t get fed but once a day. They tell me that it has something to do with saving money. Do not bother me with your toys, I have no time to play now. It is a real pain that my pets are not taking to their training well at all. Then, after I have eaten about a quarter of what they give me (I have to watch the figure), I demand my caresses.
Then, I fall asleep when and where I want, since I own everything in sight. Believe me, around here, that’s not as easy as it sounds. The problem is compounded all by the noise. The TV, telephone, music, and their cub. I mean, consider for a moment. Here I am, not bothering anyone, and all these people want to play with me. I tell you, it is enough to drive any sane house cat into acting like a dog. Speaking of dogs…
Most of the time I have to resort to ducking outside, just to get away from it all. I will do what I want, when I want to. That put me at the mercy of creatures, that I have since found out are, dogs. Hairy, smelly beasts, with no sense of reserve, proper etiquette, without a sense of style, good only for being chased by me. When I first encountered these unwashed barbarians, the hair on my back stood straight up. I knew they were trouble. Over the course of time, they have not improved on my first impression.
I have never seen any of my pets groom themselves properly. As any reasonable being knows, this task must be repeated many times each day. Some times your tongue gets sore, but hey; it’s worth it to look sharp. Instead my pets wait until they are so dirty that they must voluntarily stand under a metal cloud and let liquid cover them. Why they pretend to enjoy it I do not claim to understand. I know they are terrified, they know they are terrified, so why do they do it? The first time I watched this I tried to warn them, I begged, pleaded, I almost lowered myself to yowling at them. Know what happened? That’s right! They put me outside, again!
Now, let us discuss the real reason I deigned to dictate this. Ritual magick, rituals in general and ritual nonsense. I am supposed to be a living assistant, a helper, and a guide. Do they listen to me? NO!
I know when it is a full moon; all those idiot dogs start howling. If I try to remind them of it, by meowing politely, they think I want to go outside. Having given up, I settle down for a nap. They turn this growling sucking monster lose and call it “vacuuming.” Then, they start getting their stuff up, chasing me all over as I am trying to meditate in preparation for circle, until, in self defense, (that’s right) I get put outside again.
Speaking of which, when I do go outside, I pass through the Wards. I think it is common courtesy to stop, readjust my aura to mesh with them, and not just to break a hole in the darn things; I work hard to insure they stay up after all. I am more vulnerable to extraplanar beings than they are, after all. This as any right thinking familiar will tell you takes several minutes. Do my pets appreciate this courtesy? NO! Usually, I get a swift shove in a place no proper cat will mention in public. They have even taught their kid to do the same darn thing!
However, I digress. They cast a circle, I try to weave my protections into it, and they start trying to shoo ME out! Hey, remember I’m supposed to be there. Then when I try to assist with their ceremony, they get upset when I try to call air by gently tapping the goblet with my paw.
I KNOW about fire. Leave it to an expert, put the darn stuff out before someone has to throw that disgusting liquid on it. In addition, as for that stuff, I just get myself settled and they start throwing it around like they think the carpet will grow. This naturally forces me to move, and naturally they think that they have to help me move with one of those darn feet.
Why they think they need something besides dirt to represent dirt, I do not understand. It would surely be more convenient for me if they had a nice, large, pan full of the stuff. Sometimes you just can’t wait for circle to end, know what I mean?
They start singing, and rarely have I been subjected to a less melodious cacophony of noise. I have classical training and can sing in five different keys. When I try to join in, hoping to add some harmony to smooth out this noise, they have the nerve to suggest I am yowling.
When I sink my claws into someone to release some blood and energy as a sacrifice, that darn foot is swung at me again.
I try to be a hands on owner/familiar so I make sure I place my energy squarely into their written ceremony by touching the book. Okay, I sat on it, but, I ask you, is that any reason to squirt me? It is NOT my fault they cannot remember what they are doing without writing it down. Cats have much better memories.
Lord and Lady know I have tried to train them, but they are so slow to learn new behavior. It is not easy being a familiar. So how are you doing with your pets?
Luirenjidsl Lijagyuv Mronnaiu,
Lord of the Fifth Celestial Order of Felix Rex
Stars light your path.